Extract from Make The Connection: And What AboutMe?
Lamia, 24:
"I’m really sick of doing my relationships the way I always have. Never having real love and connection, never being real. Giving myself away, and trying to fix everything by improving my intellectual understanding and getting high off motivational
books and movies. It’s as if some part
of me is yelling it’s enough of the thinking stuff now! Give me something else.
Sometimes I think my brain is going to explode. I could sure do with a whole lot more love
and respect in my life, that’s what I long for.
but more than that, I just want to be real. I don't even know how to be real with myself. And it's really easy to turn that into self criticism! I always think the problem is with me after
all.
Maybe I don't deserve love yet, maybe I’m not spiritually
advanced enough, maybe I have more lessons to learn, maybe I haven't been such
a very, very good girl after all. Maybe
it just isn’t for me, I’m somehow defective, too short, too tall, too fat, too
thin, not attractive enough, not sexy enough.
Where’s the love in that?
How can that help me with my self-esteem and entitlement? My thinking brain is working overtime and my
poor heart is crying in the wilderness. Then more criticism kicks in, maybe I don’t understand men
well enough yet. Maybe I didn't
understand the book. Maybe it worked for
other people but not for me. Maybe there
aren't any good men in the world.
Maybe
I shouldn't have been born. Nightmare city. I
want something different, I can’t carry on like this anymore. I don’t want any more quick fixes or false
promises. I want a better experience of
life, not just a better idea of it and I want to be able to have it for the
rest of my life. I want to know what it
is to be free inside of myself, free to be real and still be loved. That's what connection is really about."
