Friday, April 1, 2016

Breaking News! Donald Trump Withdraws From the Presidential Race

This morning at 08:00 EST Donald Trump’s campaign issued this announcement:

Donald Trump has withdrawn his candidacy and will no longer be running for President of the United States.

After months of research his campaign manager has revealed that plots to assassinate Mr. Trump have been developed by The Secret Service, Vladimir Putin, Megyn Kelly, Rosie O’Donnell, Women in general, the Pope, Fox News, the Liberal Media, Planned Parenthood, Egyptians, The Republican Establishment, Ted Cruz, John Kasich, Minorities, Mexicans, Muslims, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, David Cameron, Robert Mugabe, his own research department (Hollywood and TV) and, most amazingly surprisingly, Israel, some countries in the Middle East like Africa, and of course China.

While Mr. Trump understands that people who wanna take you down are just jealous he feels that all these groups are getting too much attention from the media and taking the spotlight away from him which isn’t fair.

And, you know, well, China is just. Amazing.

Mr. Trump is a very brave man, a very, very truth man, a very, very, very intelligent man, and a very, very, very, very rich man. An amazingly rich and intelligent man. He wants to assure his loyal supporters that he still cares about them and women you know should be punished if they have an abortion. And that they can find him through his new offices where he has been invited to Make the KKK Great Again. He invites them all to follow him. As for China.

Mr. Trump is very hurt because he is a very, very, very, very, very, amazingly sensitive man. He loves women and well, you know, China. He is currently being fitted for his new robes.  

Rumors that Mr. Trump is withdrawing from the race because he is scared he'll be beaten are all a lie generated by the KGB which Mr. Trump has discovered is in league with Planned Parenthood and the American Society for Issuing False Birth Certificates. 

Mr. Trump has learned also about amazingly secret campaigns to stop him as a candidate. Mr. Trump cannot say any more about that for now because they're amazing and secret and he doesn't want the media to get hold of them because that would take the spotlight away from him which isn't fair. It's amazing how unfair it is.

Mr. Trump denies accusations of sulking and dying his hair and his face orange. "My hands are not small," he said.

Other rumors about his impending bankruptcy and investigation by the CIA, the FBI and those tax people, are bullshit says Mr. Trump. So that can't be the reason why he has chosen to withdraw from the campaign can it? "I'm not a liar," he shouted, waving a steak around. "I tell it like it is." And the Getty Images photograph of him comparing the size of his dick to his thumb - “Well,” he said, “in that department I can assure you."